For example, in the workplace you come to find out that you were again passed up for a promotion. According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002), when you play the Victim role you are exaggerating your own innocence. Perhaps outside of the home you are the Victim. Take control of your life by avoiding using the Villain role. This may have nothing to do with your spouse. Maybe there are areas that you need to cut back in life because of the choices you made, the boundaries you did not set, or the times you said “yes” to tasks that you know you shouldn’t have taken on. Also, as you step back instead of lashing out, take this time to assess your priorities and life roles. Instead, acknowledge that you forgot, were wrong, etc., and then step back and assess how you can approach the fact that you need more support. If you didn’t come through, fine, but you can’t turn someone else into the problem because you didn’t commit as promised. I understand that you are stressed but you made a commitment. The reality is, you promised to pick up XYZ after work. For example, in your marriage you may play the Villain role where you are consistently assuming that your partner has bad motives for their actions.įor instance, if you promised to pick up something after work and forgot and you get home and your spouse asks you for XYZ, if your reaction is “You never understand how busy I am! You don’t care about what I do and how stressed out I am! You are so inconsiderate and not helpful,” you have used the Villain role. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002) talk about the Victim and Villain roles in their book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.ĭepending on what context you are in, you may play different roles. The more responsibility you take over your actions, even the ones you are not proud of, the more control over your own life and outcomes you will have. Or, do you ever hear yourself saying, “It’s all your fault.”? This is the Villain in action. So, have you ever played Villain or Victim role? Do you ever hear yourself saying, “It’s not my fault.”? This is the Victim playing its part.
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